Holocron Entry 5

I'm feeling rather down.. The VA Program is killing me. I should be asleep now to save up energy (during the whole weekend) for the coming week. But I discovered that I've lost all interest in studying that I practically don't care any more.

I feel that I've let many people down with my new thinking. I know it's not right. But I can't do it any more. I'm just so pooffed out that nothings matters more than my art nowadays. The week was so painful.

So much homework, no time for my favourite movies and TV programmes, no time for being happy, no time for drawing comics, no time for anything. I'm starting to show a "heck care" attitude towards homework and learning.

I hate the VA Program. It's so tiring that I find it a pain to listen to lessons in school with out fidgetting and doodling. I can't stand it any more. It's tearing me apart inside out.

My mind is in a reck. I'm afraid that my creativity will disappear forever. I don't want to study more than 7 hours a day!!! Why are they forcing all the students in Sec 4?!?! Please. I have a life.

I have this very precious life that I care and love so much. This life gave me the opportunity to create fantasies and draw my feelings and show the world what I've got. Please don't fill my mind with studies and studies and more useless studies..

I'm about to breakdown and turn over to the dark side. But I just won't. This VA Progran is taking everything away from me..

I was supposed to study today but I just can't. I know I sound like an idiot cos most of you study longer hours than me. But this is my life!!! I want to enjoy and live it to the fullest my own way!!

I sound so ridicious here. I also accidentally embarrassed myself in front of Joshua. It's torturing me mentally that I feel like running away from everything and suck myself into my fantasy far far away. And run there and hide forever.

But I can't. There's no escape. The walls are sealed and caving in.

I have a Common Test week next week where the school's going to test us what we have learnt last year and this few weeks of term 1. I'm gonna fail. I can feel it. It's my gut feeling that's usually right.

Tomorrow I'll try to study. I'll try.

Mustn't lose hope. My creativity won't be pushed to the unreachable depths of my consciousness to be forgotten forever, it's live as part of my living entity and it'll never fade.

I'll never stop drawing. Never. The minute I do, I'll no longer be who I am.